The Witches Hammer Movie Review
By: Justin Hopkins
** SPOILER WARNING **
I think we have done it. Years of watching B Movies and months of reviewing them. Some that could rival any A list movie and some so bad they circled back to entertainment all of again. After all of that, think we may have just hit the bottom of the barrel. I don’t like talking badly on movies. Making a movie is a hard and difficult process and I am more then willing to go out of my way and meet them on whatever convoluted storyline they want to run. Hybrid animals? Sold. Remake a classic? I am there. Sequel to a movie franchise that ran out of steam a decade ago? Why not. So when I say this is bad. Can rest assured it has some merit. There is some good, don’t get me wrong, but far warning ahead of time. There is going to be a lot of negativity coming.
The movie opens up with a Rebecca getting attacked and left bleeding on the ground. Later two people, government agents, come up to her body bag and she is alive. Cut to a montage of them doing some experiment on her. Then we get two of of the most irritating agents. Present her two drinks, water and blood. We get flashes of her covered in blood and the woman agent yelling, what drink do you want over and over, and I started regretting my choice of film to review. Pushing forward to yet another montage of Rebecca training. Along with her learning that it is to risky to see her family, and that she can be killed with decapitation, stabbing the heart, and sunlight. Rule that was broken during her first mission when she takes out a vampire, with a stab to the stomach. She gets shot in the head, but rescued by her ally in the morgue, who pays her with intel on when she can see her family. They would be visiting her grave, and despite the sun out, she finds safety under a tree to view them ( Seriously, it doesn’t. Sun is coming through the branches. No reason this should work. Just keep the bike helmet on) While she is away. Her base is attacked and all of her colleagues are killed. A massive fight ensues, before she is knocked out, by a tranq dart. When she wakes up, finds that she was captured by another one of the Government Programs. Lead by Witch Madeline and.. Edward.. I think was his name. It was hard to hear. His audio was cranked up and was a genuine boring character. They inform Rebecca that a vampire used a page from the book called Witches Hammer to make himself immortal and they need the book to undo it. The book was written by a women whose baby was taken from her. She took vengeance. Killing the man who did so, and then the babies of everyone in the village. She sat down and just started writing the book till they killed her. They journey out, being chased by various vampires including; a dwarf named Oscar. His plus sized lover Charlotte. One with a pornstache whose name I did not catch. Cause I just wanted it to end and I will leave it there for the time being.
The only member of the cast that I didn’t mind, was Claudia Coulter. She was the only one who didn’t really just annoy me. She didn’t overdo anything and the action, while slow and a bit clunky was still nice. There was one thing she kept doing that did make me laugh, but not in the way they were expecting. On occasion, she would just randomly flash her teeth and hiss. For no apparent reason, and made me laugh, because if you look at the pic and see Fionna. The Sim from all of my thumbnails, does the exact same thing. So congrats on making me think about the Sims. In the same vein, I enjoyed the flashback to the Witch who wrote the book. When she was holding her baby, sounded like she was singing the Bayu Bayushki, and that is the Lullaby Hummed by The Huntress in Dead By Daylight. My favorite killer, and that is 2 positives that are based because they remind me of better things. That is not good.
Nothing about this landed. The jokes were so bad and just dumb. We get it, Oscar is small and Charlotte is big, ain’t it funny. The one good fight scene, with Rebecca going against the ninja, was ruined through multiple cuts to either see Oscar and Edward in some stupid Tom and Jerry esque game. Of tiny Oscar running in around the room and Edward being scared. With Charlotte commenting on the fight, while drinking from this guy with two straws in his neck. None of which was funny. Both of which stole drastically from the only worthwhile moment of the movie.
This movie was a drastic let down. The effects were bad. Far, far to many cuts and close-ups and slow motion for no other reason then to have slow motion. Don’t even go for slow motion when it can be used. Then fast zoom in on faces and all of it was cringeworthy to awful. Movie came out in 2006 and has aged so poorly and worse then movies twice it’s age, and I know what you are thinking. Cut it some slack, its a low budget, but no. I am not judging this based off big A list movies, with a budget. That’s the point of B Movie Sunday. To review them based off movies in their caliber and this one fails almost across the board.
Before we finish up, let’s gloss over the end, because that Surprise twist, actually did catch me by surprise. I didn’t see the Madeline turn coming, and having Hugo be nothing more than a spoiled brat was good. It was a smart idea to shake things up. Well done.
If you found enjoyment in this film, I am happy for you. I don’t get much enjoyment on trashing movies. People worked hard to make this movie, but got to call it like I see it, and Witches Hammer was a colossal waste of time. Don’t watch this movie. Skip it. Put on literally anything else. Hard pass for Witches Hammer.
Thank you for Reading.